This just in. A Vatican insider leaked to The Okie Traditionalist, for exclusive reporting, the following transcript of a recording in Casa Santa Marta, outside the office of His Holiness, Pope Francis, translated by myself from the Italian. Earlier that morning, the tomb of Pope Pius X was reportedly found by the Swiss Guard to be disturbed, the sarcophagus opened, and the body of the deceased pontiff missing. Warning: some Catholics may find this transcript offensive, as it contains profanity, violence, and radical language. Photos inserted for editorial effect.
Transcript of Pope Francis speaking to Pope St. Pius X:
“Owww! Why did you punch me in de face venerable Pius? What did I do? Come now and sit for some refreshments,” said Francis.
“Because you are a heretic and destroying the Church. Not to mention protecting an international network of modernist, homosexual, child abusing priests. No, I’ll stand,” said Pius.
“Oh no, dear brother Pius, how can you say that? I care so much for de peoples, that is the People of God,” said Francis.
“You do not, because you preach and write heresies about marriage, sin, confession, communion, birth control, hell, the list goes on and on, while also officially promoting heretical pastoral practices. You persecute as a dictator, especially in the Holy See, those who uphold the doctrine of the Faith and the apostolic traditions of the Church. You were questionably elected by a conspiring group of progressivist Cardinals, to create a new phase of Revolution in Holy Mother Church. This includes the wholesale protection by the Hierarchy, including yourself, of a faithless, homosexualist subculture of revolutionist priests and bishops sexually abusing children,” said Pius.
“Pius, Pius. Come now. You are making me upset. I need to sit down. This is really too much,” said Francis.
“Stop your whining and look at me eye to eye, man to man. You need to hear this,” said Pius.
“Man. Dis is just way too much. Is this for real? Somebody pinch me,” said Francis, sitting down to drink some orange juice.
“I’ll do more than that,” said Pius.
“Ooowwwww!!! You punched me again in de the face. Are you loco?” said Francis.
“Cut the Latino, emotionally manipulative donkey shit, Jorge. You have 10 years of Jesuit training. So man up. You are old and will die soon. You must repent now and reform your papacy and the Church. Or you risk going to hell,” said Pius.
“Repent? Hell? Whaa? Pius, you really are unrelaxed after all this time in the tomb. These concepts change over time, but of course aaalways in continuity. We must not be phariseeical, neopalagian, judgmental, obsessed…you get my meaning,” said Francis.
“Since I am dead, I owe you no obedience, but rather you owe obedience to the teachings of all your predecessors, including my own condemnation of modernism. You are a modernist, Francis,” said Pius.
“Okay, okay, I know you are dead. But you are no longer de pope. It is me who is de pope. So I must follow my own inner inspirations in understanding and teaching de doctrines, and adapt them to modern times, through aggiornamento, synodality, and of course always aaaccompaniment,” said Francis.
“That is called modernism, the synthesis of all heresies. But I can see you do not care. It is useless to try and reason with you. I’m going back to my tomb,” said Pius.
“Oooh. I don’t understand. Why don’t you sit and explain some more clearly,” said Francis.
” I already have, Bergoglio, read my encyclicals. They are on your website,” said Pius.
As he left, Pius turned back saying,
“By the way, almost all children sexually abused by your priests are not ‘the little ones,’ as you said in your press release, but post-pubescent teenage boys groomed into sexual relationships by predator priests, capiche.”
End of Translation.
Witnesses say after this exchange, Pope Francis went into his bedroom and cried, but then went to the kitchen and ate ice cream, before a visit with sexually abused children over refreshments.